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expectation. The wise man shook his head, put his cane to his nose, and proceeded to open his mouth. It was plain he was about to speak. Every ear throbbed and gaped to catch the golden syllables. At length the doctor did speak: for casting about him a look of the profoundest knowledge, and pointing to the steed, he said, in a deep, solemn whisper,--"_Let the horse alone!_" Saying this, the doctor vanished! The reader will immediately make the application. The horse _John Bull_ is prostrate. It will be remembered that Colonel SIBTHORP (that dull mountebank) spoke learnedly upon glanders--that others declared the animal needed a lighter burthen and a greater allowance of corn,--but that the majority of the mob made way for a certain quacksalver PEEL, who being regularly called in and fee'd for his advice, professed himself to be possessed of some miraculous elixir for the suffering quadruped. All eyes were upon the doctor--all ears open for him, when lo! on the 16th of September,--PEEL, speaking with the voice of an oracle, said--"It is not my intention in the present session of Parliament to submit any measures for the consideration of the House!" In other words--"_Let the horse alone!_" The praises of the Tory mob are loud and long at this wisdom of the doctor. He had loudly professed an intimate knowledge of the ailments of the horse--he had long predicted the fall of the poor beast,--and now, when the animal is down, and a remedy is looked for that shall once more set the creature on his legs, the veterinary politician says--"_Let the horse alone!_" The speech of Sir ROBERT PEEL was a pithy illustration of the good old Tory creed. He opens his oration with a benevolent and patriotic yearning for the comforts of Parliamentary warmth and ventilation. He moves for papers connected with "the building of the two houses of Parliament, and with the adoption of measures for _warming and ventilating_ those houses!" The whole policy of the Tories has ever exemplified their love of nice warm places; though, certainly, they have not been very great sticklers for atmospheric purity. Indeed, like certain other labourers, who work by night, they have toiled in the foulest air,--have profited by the most noisome labour. When Lord JOHN RUSSELL introduced that imperfect mode of ventilation, the Reform Bill, into the house, had he provided for a full and pure supply of public opinion,--had he ventilated the Commons by a more extended franchise,--Sir ROBERT PEEL would not, as minister, have shown such magnanimous concern for the creature comforts of Members of Parliament--he might, indeed, have still displayed his undying love of a warm place; but he would not have enjoyed it on the bench of the Treasury. As for ventilation, why, the creature Toryism, like a frog, could live in the heart of a tree;--it being always provided that the tree should bear golden pippins. We can, however, imagine that this solicitude of Sir ROBERT for the ease and comfort of the legislative Magi may operate to his advantage in the minds of certain honest folk, touched by the humanity which sheds so sweet a light upon the opening oration of the new minister. "If"--they will doubtless think--"the humane Baronet feels so acutely for the Lords Spiritual and Temporal,--if he has this regard for the convenience of only 658 knights and burgesses,--if, in his enlarged humanity, he can feel for so helpless a creature as the Earl of COVENTRY, so mild, so unassuming a prelate as the Bishop of EXETER--if he can sympathise with the wants of even a D'ISRAELI, and tax his mighty intellect to make even SIBTHORP comfortable,--surely the same minister will have, aye, a morbid sense of the wants, the daily wretchedness of hundreds of thousands, who, with the fiend Corn Law grinning at their fireless hearths--pine and perish in weavers' hovels, for the which there has as yet been _no_ 'adoption of measures for the warming and ventilating.'" "Surely"--they will think--"the man whose sympathy is active for a few of the 'meanest things that live' will gush with sensibility towards a countless multitude, fluttering into rags and gaunt with famine. He will go back to first principles; he will, with a giant's arm, knock down all the conventionalities built by the selfishness of man--(and what a labourer is selfishness! there was no such hard worker at the Pyramids or the wall of China)--between him and his fellow! Hunger will be fed--nakedness will be clothed--and God's image, though stricken with age, and broken with disease, be acknowledged; not in the cut-and-dried Pharisaical phrase of trading Church-goers, as a thing vested with immortality--as a creature fashioned for everlasting solemnities--but _practically_ treated as of the great family of man--a brother, invited with the noblest of the C\'casars, to an immortal banquet!" Such may be the hopes of a few, innocent of the knowledge of the stony-heartedness of Toryism. For ourselves, we hope nothing from Sir ROBERT PEEL. His flourish on the warming and ventilation of the new Houses of Parliament, taken in connexion with his opinions on the Corn Laws, reminds us of the benevolence of certain people in the East, who, careless and ignorant of the claims of their fellow-men, yet take every pains to erect comfortable hospitals and temples for dogs and vermin. Old travellers speak of these places, and of men being hired that the sacred fleas might feed upon their blood. Now, when we consider the history of legislation--when we look upon many of the statutes emanating from Parliament--how often might we call the House of Commons the House of Fleas? To be sure, there is yet this great difference: the poor who give their blood there, unlike the wretches of the East, give it for nothing! Sir ROBERT'S speech promises nothing whatever as to his future policy. He leaves everything open. He will not say that he will not go in precisely the line chalked out by the Whigs. "Next session," says. Sir ROBERT, "you shall see what you shall see." About next February, _Orson_, in the words of the oracle in the melo-drama, will be "endowed with reason." Until then, we must accept a note-of-hand for Sir ROBERT, that he may pay the expenses of the government. "I have already expressed my opinion, that it is absolutely necessary to adopt some measures for equalising the revenue and expenditure, and we will avail ourselves of the earliest opportunity, after mature consideration of the circumstances of the country, to submit to a committee of the whole house measures for remedying the existing state of things. _Whether that can be best done by diminishing the expenditure of the country, or by increasing the revenue, or by a combination of those two means--the reduction of the expenditure and the increase of the revenue--I must postpone for future consideration._" Why, Sir ROBERT was called in because he knew the disease of the patient. He had his remedy about him. The pills and the draught were in his pocket--yes, in his patriotic poke; but he refused to take the lid from the box--resolutely determined that the cork should not be drawn from the all-healing phial--until he was regularly called in; and, as the gypsies say, his hand crossed with a bit of money. Well, he now swears with such vigour to the excellence of his physic--he so talks for hours and hours upon the virtues of his drugs, that at length a special messenger is sent to him, and directions given that the Miraculous Doctor should be received at the state entrance of the patient's castle, with every mark of consideration. The Doctor is ensured his fee, and he sets to work. Thousands and thousands of hearts are beating whilst his eye scrutinizes John Bull's tongue--suspense weighs upon the bosom of millions as the Doctor feels his pulse. Well, these little ceremonies settled, the Doctor will, of course, pull out his phial, display his boluses, and take his leave with a promise of speedy health. By no means. "I must go home," says the Doctor, "and study your disease for a few months; cull simples by moonlight; and consult the whole Materia Medica; after that I'll write you a prescription. For the present, good morning." "But, my dear Doctor," cries the patient, "I dismissed my old physician, because you insisted that you knew my complaint and its, remedy already." "That's very true," says Doctor PEEL, "but _then_ I wasn't called in." The learned Bald\'caus tells us, that "Ceylon doctors give _jackall's flesh_ for consumptions." Now, consumption is evidently John Bull's malady; hence, we would try the Ceylon prescription. The jackalls are the landowners; take a little of _their flesh_, Sir ROBERT, and for once, spare the bowels of the manufacturer. Q. * * * * * PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. XI. [Illustration: PLAYING THE KNAVE. DEDICATED TO THE MEMBERS OF ST. STEPHEN'S.] * * * * * BUNKS'S DISCOVERIES IN THE THAMES. A highly important and interesting survey of the coast between Arundel-stairs and Hungerford-market pier, is now being executed, under the superintendence of Bill Bunks, late commander of the coal-barge "Jim Crow." The result of his labours hitherto have been of the most interesting nature to the natural historian, the antiquarian, and the navigator. In his first report to the magistrates of the Thames-police, he states that he has advanced in his survey to Waterloo-bridge stairs, which he describes as a good landing-place for wherries, funnies, and small craft, but inadequate as a harbour for vessels of great burthen. The shore from Arundel-street, as far as he has explored, consists chiefly of a tenacious, dark-coloured substance, very closely resembling thick mud, intermixed with loose shingles, pebbles, and coal-slates. The depth of water is uncertain, as it varies with the tide, which he ascertains rises and falls every six hours; the greatest depth of water being usually found at the time when the tide is full in, and _vice versa_. He has also made the valuable discovery, that a considerable portion of the shore is always left uncovered at low water, at which periods he availed himself of the opportunity afforded him of examining it more minutely, and of collecting a large number of curious specimens in natural history, and interesting antiquarian relics. As we have had the privilege of being permitted to view them in the private museum of the "Stangate-and-Milbank-both-sides-of-the-water-united-for-the-advancement- of-Science-Association," we are enabled to lay before our readers the particulars of a few of these spoils, which the perseverance and intrepidity of our gallant countryman, Bill Bunks, has rescued from the hungry jaws of the rapacious deep; viz.:-- 1. "_A case of shells._" The greater number of the specimens are pronounced, by competent judges, to be shells of the native oyster; a fact worthy of note, as it proves the existence, in former ages, of an oyster-bed on this spot, and oysters being a sea-fish, it appears evident that either the sea has removed from London, or London has withdrawn itself from the sea. The point is open to discussion. We hope that the "Hookham-cum-Snivey Institution" will undertake the solution of it at one of their early meetings. 2. "_The neck of a black bottle, with a cork in it._" This is a very interesting object of art, and one which has given rise to considerable discussion amongst the _literati_. The cork, which is inserted in the fragment of the neck, is quite perfect; it has been impressed with a seal in reddish-coloured wax; a portion of it remains, with a partly obliterated inscription, in Roman characters, of which we have been enabled to give the accompanying fac-simile. [Illustration] With considerable difficulty we have deciphered the legend thus:--The first letter B has evidently been a mistake of the engraver, who meant it for a P, the similarity of the sounds of the two letters being very likely to lead him into such an error. With this slight alteration, we have only to add the letter O to the first line, and we shall have "PRO." It requires little acuteness to discover that the second word, if complete, would be "PATRIA;" and the letters BR, the two lowest of the inscription, only want the addition of the letters IT to make "BRIT." or "BRITANNIARUM." The legend would then run, "PRO PATRIA BRITANNIARUM," which there is good reason to suppose was the inscription on the cellar seal of Alfred the Great, though some presumptuous and common-minded persons have asserted that the legend, if perfect, would read, "BRETT'S PATENT BRANDY." Every antiquarian has, however, indignantly refused to admit such a degrading supposition. 3. "_A perfect brick, and two broken tiles._" The first of these articles is in a high state of preservation, and from the circumstance of portions of mortar being found adhering to it, it is supposed that it formed part of the old London Wall. We examined the fragments of the tiles carefully, but found no inscription or other data, by which to ascertain their probable antiquity: the tiles, in short, are buried in mystery. 4. "_A fossil flat-iron._" This antediluvian relic was found imbedded in a Sandy deposite opposite Surrey-street, near high-water mark. 5. "_An ancient leather buskin,_" supposed to have belonged to one of the Saxon kings. This singular covering for the foot reaches no higher than the ancle, and is laced up the front with a leathern thong, like a modern highlow, to which it bears a very decided resemblance. 6. "_A skeleton of some unknown animal._" Antiquarians cannot agree to what genus this animal belonged; ignorant people imagine it to have been a cat. 7. "_A piece of broken porcelain._" This is an undoubted relic of Roman manufacture, and appears to have formed part of a plate. The blue "willow pattern" painted on it shows the antiquity of that popular design. There are several other extremely rare and curious antiquities to be seen in this collection, which we have not space to notice at present, but shall take an early opportunity of returning to the valuable discoveries made by the indefatigable Mr. Bunks. * * * * * A NEW CONJURING COMPANY. A report of so extraordinary a nature has just reached us, that we hasten to be the first, as usual, to lay the outlines of it before our readers, with the same early authenticity that has characterised all our other communications. Mr. Yates is at present in Paris, arranging matters with Louis Philippe and his family, to appear at the Adelphi during the ensuing season!! It would appear that the mania for great people wishing to strut and fret their four hours and a quarter upon the stage is on the increase--at least according to our friends the constituent members of the daily press. Despite the newspaper-death of the manager of the Surrey, by which his enemies wished to "_spargere voces in vulgum ambiguas_" to his prejudice (which means, in plain English, to tell lies of him behind his back), we have seen the report contradicted, that Mrs. Norton was about to appear there in a new equestrian spectacle, with double platforms, triple studs of Tartar hordes, and the other amphitheatrical enticers. We ourselves can declare, that there is no foundation in the announcement, no more than in the _on dit_ that the Countess of Blessington was engaged as a counter-attraction, for a limited number of nights, at the Victoria; or her lovely niece--a _power_ in herself--had been prevailed upon to make her _d\'c8but_ at the Lyceum, in a new piece of a peculiar and unprecedented plot, which was prevented from coming off by some disagreement as to terms between the principal parties concerned. For true theatrical intelligence, our columns alone are to be relied upon; bright as a column of sparkling water, overpowering as a column of English cavalry, overlooking all London at once, as the column of the Monument, but _not_ so heavy as the column of the Duke of York. _Mais revenons \'87 nos moutons_: which implies (we are again compelled to translate, and this time it is for the benefit of those who have not been to Boulogne), "we spoke of Louis Philippe and his family." This sagacious monarch, foreseeing that the French were in want of some new excitement, and grieving to find that the _pompe fun\'cbbre_ of Napoleon, and the inauguration of his statue upon the monument of the victories that never took place, had not made the intense impression upon the minds of his vivacious subjects that he had intended it should produce, begins to think, that before long a fresh _\'c8meute_ will once more throw up the barricades and paving-stones in the Rue St. Honor\'c8 and Boulevard des Italiens. As such, with the prudent foresight which has hitherto directed all his proceedings, he is naturally looking forward to the best means of gaining an honest livelihood for himself and family, should a corrupted national guard, or an excited St. Antoine mob take it into their heads to dine in the Tuileries without being asked. Having read in the English newspapers, which he regularly peruses, of the astounding performances of the Wizard of the North at the Adelphi, more especially as regards the "paralysing gun delusion," he commences to imagine that he is well qualified to undertake the same responsibility, more especially from the practice he has had in that line from pistols, rifles, fowling-pieces, and, above all, twenty-barrel infernal machines. He has therefore offered his services at the Adelphi, and Mr. Yates, with his accustomed energy, and avowed propensity for French translations, has agreed to bring him over. If we remember truly, the Wizard says in his programme, that the secret shall die with him. We beg to inform him, in all humility, that he deceives himself, for Louis Philippe and the Duke d'Aumale know the trick as well as he does. They would ride through two lines of _sans culottes_, all armed to the teeth, without the least injury. They would catch the bullets in their teeth, and take them home as curiosities. Orleans, from his knowledge of the English language, will probably become the adapter of the pieces "from the French" about to be produced. The Duke de Nemours will be engaged to play the fops in the light comedies, a line which, it is anticipated, he will shine in; and the Prince de Joinville can dance a capital sailor's hornpipe, which he learnt on board the _Belle Poule_, a name which our own sailors, with an excusable disregard for genders, converted into "The Jolly Cock." Of course, from his late experience, d'Aumale will assist Louis Philippe, upon emergency, in the gun trick, and, with the other attractions, a profitable season is sure to result. * * * * * AN EXTENSIVE SACRIFICE. By Dr. Reid's new plan for ventilating the House of Commons, a porous hair carpet will be required for the floor; to provide materials for which Mr. Muntz has, in the most handsome manner, offered to shave off his beard and whiskers. This is true magnanimity--Muntz is a noble fellow! and the lasting gratitude of the House is due to him and his _hairs_ for ever. * * * * * FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE. It is expected that Mr. Snooks and family will pass the winter at Battersea, as the warmth of the climate is strongly recommended for the restoration of the health of Mrs. Snooks, who is in a state of such alarming delicacy, as almost to threaten a realisation of the fears of her best friends and the hopes of the black-job master who usually serves the family. Mr. Snivins gave a large tea-party, last week, at Greenwich, where the boiling water was supplied by the people of the house, the essentials having been brought by the visitors. Mr. Popkins has left his attic in the New-Cut, for a _tour_ on the Brixton tread-mill. K 32 left his official residence at the station-house, for his beat in Leicester-square, and repaired at once to a public-house in the neighbourhood, where he had an audience of several pickpockets. We are authorised to state, that there is no foundation whatever for the report that a certain well-known policeman is about to lead to the altar a certain unknown lady. The rumour originated in his having been seen leading her before the magistrate. Dick Wiggins transacted business yesterday in Cold Bath-fields, and picked the appointed quantity of oakum. Mr. Baron Nathan has left Margate for Kennington. We have not heard whether he was accompanied by the Baroness. The Honourable Miss Nathan, when we last heard of her, was dancing a hornpipe among a shilling's worth of new laid eggs, at Tivoli. A few minutes after Sir Robert Peel left Privy-Gardens, in a carriage and four, for Claremont, Sam Snoxell jumped up behind the Brighton stage, from which he descended, after having been whipped down, at Kennington. * * * * * IMPORTANT INVENTION. The celebrated _savant_ Sir Peter Laurie, whose scientific labours to discover the cause of the variation of the weathercock on Bow Church, have astonished the Lord Mayor and the Board of Aldermen, has lately turned his attention to the subject of railroads. The result of his profound cogitations has been highly satisfactory. He has produced a plan for a railway on an entirely new principle, which will combine cheapness and security in an extraordinary degree. We have been favoured with a view of the inventor's plans, and we have no hesitation in saying that, if adopted, the most timid person may, with perfect safety, take [Illustration: A RIDE ON THE RAIL.] * * * * * THE BATTLE AND THE BREEZE. Our readers are informed that, despite the belligerent character of the correspondence between the fierce Fitz-Roy and the "Gentle" Shepherd, although it came to a slight _blow_, there is nothing to warrant an anticipation of their [Illustration: GETTING UP THE BREEZE.] * * * * * THE FASTING PHENOMENON. The Tories have engaged Bernard Cavanagh, the Irish fasting phenomenon, to give lectures on his system of abstinence, which they think might be beneficially introduced amongst the working-classes of England. This is a truly Christian principle of government, for while the people _fast_, the ministers will not fail to _prey_. * * * * * TORY BOONS. _Air_.--"NORA CREINA" The Whigs they promised every day To cure the ills which did surround us; It should have been, "no cure, no pay!" For now we're worse than when they found us. The Tory clique at length are in, And vow that they will save the nation, So kindly give us, to begin-- Exchequer bills and ventilation. Oh! the artful Tories _dear_, Oh! the _dear_, the artful Tories They alone perceive, 'tis clear, That taxes tend to England's glories. The Whigs declared cheap bread was good; To satisfy the people's cravings They tried to take the tax off wood-- Lord knows what might be done with shavings! The Tories vow these schemes were wrong, And adverse to good legislation; Therefore, propose (so runs our song)-- Exchequer bills and ventilation. Oh! the artful Tories _dear_, Oh! the _dear_ and artful Tories; They alone perceive, 'tis clear, Taxes tend to England's glories. The Whigs became the poor man's foe, Mix'd ashes in his cup of sorrow; Nor thought the pauper's "lot of woe," Perchance might be their own to-morrow. The Tories said they were his friend, That they abhorr'd procrastination; So give--till next July shall end-- Exchequer bills and ventilation. Oh! the artful Tories _dear_, Oh! the _dear_ and artful Tories; They alone perceive, 'tis clear, Taxes tend to England's glories. * * * * * RECREATION FOR THE PUBLIC. Sir Robert Peel seems impressed with the necessity of providing the citizens of London with additional parks, where they may recreate themselves, and breathe the free air of heaven. But, strange as it may seem, the people cannot live on fresh air, unaccompanied by some stomachic of a more substantial nature; yet they are forbidden to grumble at the diet, or, if they do, they are silenced according to the good old Tory plan of [Illustration: OPENING A PARK FOR THE PEOPLE.] * * * * * Colonel Sibthorp thinks he recollects having been Hannibal once--long ago--although he cannot account for his having been beaten in the _Pun_-ic war. * * * * * THE LIGHT OF ALL NATIONS. The public are aware that this important national undertaking, which is now about to be commenced, is to be a prodigious cast-iron light-house on the Goodwin Sands. Peter Borthwick and our Sibby are already candidates for the office of universal illuminators. Peter rests his claims chiefly on the brilliancy of his ideas, as exemplified in his plan for lighting the metropolis with bottled moonshine; while Sib. proudly refers to our columns for imperishable evidences of the intensity of his wit, conscious that these alone would entitle him to be called "the light of all nations." We trust that Sir Robert Peel will exercise a sound discretion in bestowing this important situation. Highly as we esteem Peter's dazzling talents--profoundly as we admire his bottled moonshine scheme--we feel there is no man in the world more worthy of being elevated to the lantern than our refulgent friend Sibthorp. * * * * * A SHORT TREATISE OF DRAMATIC CASUALTIES. VERY PROFITABLE TO READ. Let our Treatise of Dramatic Casualties be that which treateth of the misfortunes contingent upon the profession of dramatic authors. Now, of unfortunate dramatic authors there be two grand kinds--namely, they that be unfortunate before the production of their works, and they that be unfortunate after the production of their works. And first, among them that be unfortunate before the production of their works may he enumerated-- 1.--He that, having but one manuscript of his piece leaveth the same with the manager for inspection, and it falleth out that he seeth it no more, neither heareth thereof. 2.--He that having translated a piece from the French, and bestowed thereon much time, findeth himself forestalled. 3.--He that, having written a pantomime, carrieth it in his pocket, and straight there cometh a dishonest person, who, taking the same, selleth it for waste paper. 4.--He that presenteth his piece to all the theatres in succession, and lo! it ever returneth, accompanied with a polite note expressive of disapprobation or the like. 5.--He whose piece is approved by the manager, but, nevertheless, the same produceth it not, for divers reasons, which do vary at every interview. 6.--He that communicateth the idea of a yet unwritten drama to a friend, who, being of a fair wit, and prompt withal, useth the same to his own ends and reapeth the harvest thereof. And secondly, of them that be unfortunate after the production of their works, there be some whose pieces are successful, and there be some whose pieces are not successful. And firstly, of unfortunate authors whose pieces are unsuccessful there be-- 1.--Those who write a piece which faileth through its own demerits, which may be, as-- A.--He that writeth a farce or comedy, and neglecteth to introduce jokes in the same. B.--He that writeth a farce or comedy, and introduceth bad jokes in the same. C.--He that writeth a farce or comedy, and introduceth old jokes in the same. D.--He that writeth a tragedy, and introduceth matter for merriment therein. E.--He that, in either tragedy, comedy, farce, or other entertainment, shocketh the propriety of the audience, or causeth a division in the same, by political allusions. 2.--He that writeth a piece which faileth, though not through its own demerits, which may be, as-- A.--When the principal actor, not having the author's words by heart, and being of a suggestive wit and good assurance, substituteth others, which he deemeth sufficient. B.--When the principal actor, not having the author's words by heart, and being of a dull and heavy turn, and deaf withal, substituteth nothing, but standeth aghast, yearning for the voice of the prompter. C.--When the scene-shifter ingeniously introduceth a forest into a bed-chamber, or committeth the like incongruity, marvellous pleasant and mirthful to behold, but in no way conducive to success. D.--When pistols or other fire-arms do miss fire; when red fire igniteth not, or igniteth the scenes; when a trap-door refuseth to open, a rope to draw, and the like. E.--When the author intrusteth his principal part to a new actor, and it falleth out that the same doth grievously offend the audience, who straight insist that he do quit the stage, whereby the ruin of the piece is consummated. F.--Likewise there be misfortunes that arise from the audience; as, when at a momentous point of the plot there entereth one heated with liquor, and causeth a disturbance, or a woman with a huge bonnet becometh the subject of a discussion as to her right to wear the same, and impede the view of them that be behind; also when there cometh in a ruffian, or more, in a pea-coat, who having been charged by an enemy to work the ruin of the piece, endeavoureth to do the same, by dint of hisses or other unseemly noises, all of which be highly pernicious. Secondly, of those unfortunate authors who have been successful, there be-- 1.--He whose piece, albeit successful, is withdrawn to make room for the Christmas pantomine, Easter piece, or other entertainment equally cherished by the manager, who thereupon groundeth a plea of non-payment. 2.--He who being a creditor of the manager, and the same being unable to meet his obligations, by an ingenious contrivance of the law becometh cleansed thereof, an operation which hath been conceitedly termed "whitewashing." 3.--He that writeth a piece with a friend, and the same claimeth the entire authorship thereof and emolument therefrom. And there be divers other calamities which we have neither space nor time to enumerate, but which be all incentives to abstain from dramatic writing. PERDITUS. * * * * * PUNCH'S THEATRE. JACK KETCH; OR, A LEAF FROM TYBURN TREE. Modern legislation is chiefly remarkable for its oppressive interference with the elegant amusements of the mob. Bartholomew-fair is abolished; bull-baiting, cock-pits, and duck-hunts are put down by act of Parliament; prize-fighting, by the New Police--even those morally healthful exhibitions, formerly afforded opposite the Debtors' Door of Newgate, for the sake of _example_--that were attended by idlers in hundreds, and thieves in thousands--are fast growing into disuse. The "masses" see no pleasure now: even the hanging-matches are cut off. Deeply compassionating the effects of so illiberal an innovation, Mr. G. Almar the author to, and Mr. R. Honner the proprietor of, Sadler's Wells Theatre, have produced an exhibition which in a great degree makes up for the infrequent performances at the Old Bailey. Those whose moral sensibilities are refined to the choking point--who can relish stage strangulation in all its interesting varieties better than Shakspere, are now provided with a rich treat. They need not wait for the Recorder's black cap and a black Monday morning--the Sadler's Wells' people hang every night with great success; for, unless one goes early, there is--as is the case wherever hanging takes place--no _standing room_ to be had for love or money. The play is simply the history of Jack Ketch, a gentleman who flourished at the beginning of the last century, and who, by industry and perseverance, attained to the rank of public executioner; an office he performed with such skill and effect that his successors have, as the bills inform us, inherited "his soubriquet" with his office. He is introduced to the audience as a ropemaker's apprentice, living in the immediate neighbourhood of Execution-Dock, and loving _Barbara Allen_, "a young spinster residing at the Cottage of Content, upon the borders of Epping Forest, supporting herself by the produce of her wheel and the cultivation of her flower-garden." He beguiles his time, while twisting the hemp, by spinning a tedious yarn about this well-to-do spinster; from which we infer _Barbara's_ barbarity, and that he is crossed in love. The soliloquy is interrupted by an elderly man, who enters to remark that he has come out for a little relaxation after a hard morning's work: no wonder, for we soon learn that he is the _Jack Ketch_ of his day, and has, but an hour before, tucked up two brace of pirates. With this pleasing information, and a sharp dialogue on his favourite subject with the hero, he retires. Here the interest begins; three or four foot-stamps are heard behind; _Jack_ starts--"Ah, that noise," &c.--and on comes the author of the piece, "his first appearance here these five years." He approaches the foot-lights--he turns up his eyes--he thumps his breast--and goes through this exercise three or four times, before the audience understand that they are to applaud. They do so; and the play goes on as if nothing had happened; for this is an episode expressive of a "first appearance these five years." _Gipsy George_ or Mr. G. Almar, whichever you please, having assured _Jack Ketch_ that he is starving and in utter destitution, proceeds to give five shillings for a piece of rope, and walks away, after taking great pains to assure everybody that he is going to hang himself. Before, however, he has had time to make the first coil of a hempen collar, _Jack_ looks off, and descries the stranger in the last agonies of strangulation, amidst the most deafening applause from the audience, whose disgust is indignantly expressed by silence when he exits to cut the man down. Their delight is only revived by the apparition of _Gipsy George_, pale and ghastly, _with the rope round his neck_, and the exclamation that he is "done for." _Barabbas_, the hangman, who re-appears with the rest, is upbraided by _Jack_ for coolly looking on and letting the man hang himself, without raising an alarm. Mr. B. answers, that "it was no business of his." Like Sir Robert Peel and the rest of the profession, it was evidently his maxim not to interfere, unless "regularly called in." The _Gipsy_, so far from dying, recovers sufficiently to make to _Jack_ some important disclosures; but of that mysterious kind peculiar to melodrama, by which nobody is the wiser. They, however, bear reference to _Jack's_ deceased father, a clasp-knife, a certain _Sir Gregory_ of "the gash," and the four gentlemen so recently suspended at Execution-Dock. The residence of Content and Barbara Allen is a scene, the minute correctness of which it would be wicked to doubt, when the bills so solemnly guarantee that it is copied from the "best authorities." _Barbara_ opens the door, makes a curtsey, produces a purse, and after saying she is going to pay her rent, is, by an ingenious contrivance of the Sadler's Wells' Shakspere, confronted with her landlord, the _Sir Gregory_ before-mentioned. All stage-landlords are villains, who prefer seduction to rent, and he of the "gash" is no exception. The struggle, rescue, and duel, which follow, are got through in no time. The last would certainly have been fatal, had not the assailant's servant come on to announce that "a gentleman wished to speak to him at his own residence." The lover (who is of course the rescuer) deems this a sufficient excuse to let off his antagonist without a scratch; _Barbara_ rewards him with an embrace and a rose, just as another rival intrudes himself in the person of _Mr. John Ketch_. The altercation which now ensues is but slight; for _Jack_, instead of fighting, goes off to Fairlop-fair with another young lady, who seems to come upon the stage for no other purpose than to oblige him. At the fair we find _Jack's_ spirits considerably damped by the prediction of a gipsy, that he will marry a hangman's daughter; but, after the jumping in sacks, which forms a part of the sports, he rescues _Barbara_ from being once more assailed by her landlord. Thereupon another component of the festive scene--our friend the hangman--declares that she is his daughter! "Horror" tableau, and end of Act I. After establishing a lapse of four years between the acts, the author takes high ground;--we are presented with the summit of Primrose-hill, St. Paul's in the distance, and a gentleman with black clothes, and literary habits, reading in the foreground. This turns out to be "The Laird Lawson," _Barbara's_ favoured lover and benevolent duellist. Though on the top of Cockney Mount, he is suffering under a deep depression of spirits; for he has never seen _Miss Allen_ during four years, come next Fairlop-fair. Having heard this, the audience is, of course, quite prepared for that lady's appearance; and, sure enough, on she comes, accounting for her presence with great adroitness:--having left the city to go to Holloway, she is taking a short cut over Primrose-hill. The lovers go through the mode of recognition never departed from at minor theatres, with the most frantic energy, and have nearly hugged themselves out of breath, when the executioner papa interrupts the blissful scene, without so much as saying how he got there; but "finishers" are mysterious beings. _Barabbas_ denounces the laird; and when his consent is asked for the hand of _Miss Barbara_, tells the lover "he will see him hanged first!" The moon, a dark stage, and _Jack Ketch_ in the character of a foot-pad, now add to the romance of the drama. Not to leave anything unexplained, the hero declares, that he has cut the walk of life he formerly trod in the rope ditto, and has been induced to take to the road solely by Fate, brandy and (not salt, but) _Barbara!_ By some extraordinary accident, every character in the piece, with two exceptions, have occasion to tread this scene--"Holloway and heath near the village of Holloway" (painted from the best authorities), just exactly in time to be robbed by _Ketch_; who shows himself a perfect master of his business, and a credit to his instructor; for _Gipsy George_ rewards _Jack_ for saving him from hanging, by showing his friend the shortest way to the gallows. In the following scene, the plot breaks out in a fresh place. The man with the "gash," and _Gipsy George_ are together, going over some youthful reminiscences. It seems that once upon a time there were six pirates; four were those pendents from the gibbet at Execution-Dock one hears so much about at the commencement; the fifth is the speaker, _Gipsy George_; and "you," exclaims that person, striking an attitude, and addressing _Sir Gregory_, "make up the half-dozen!" They all formerly did business in a ship called the "Morning Star," and whenever the ex-pirate number five is in pecuniary distress, he bawls out into the ear of _ci-devant_ pirate number six, the words "Morning Star!" and a purse of hush-money is forked out in a trice. In this manner _Gipsy George_ accumulates, by the end of the piece, a large property; for six or eight purses, all ready filled for each occasion, thus pass into his pockets. The "best authorities" furnish us, next, with an interior; that of "the Mug, a chocolate house and tavern," where a new plot is hatched against the crown and dignity of the late respected George the First, by a party of Jacobites. These consist of a half-dozen of Hanoverian Whigs, who enter, duly decorated with an equal number of hats of every variety of cock and cockade. The heroine seems to have engaged herself here as waitress, on purpose to meet her persecutor, _Sir Gregory_, and her late lover, _Jack Ketch_. What comes of this rencontre it is impossible to make out, for a general _m\'c8l\'c8e_ ensues, caused by a discovery of the plot; which is by no means a gunpowder plot; for although a file of soldiers present their arms for several minutes full at the conspirators, not a single musket goes off. Perhaps gunpowder was expensive in the reign of George the First. _Jack Ketch_ ends the act with a dream--an _apropos finale_, for we caught several of our neighbours napping. The scene in which this vision takes place is the crowning result of the painter's researches amongst the "best authorities;" it being no less than "a garret in Grub-street, _in which the great Daniel De Foe composed his romance of Robinson Crusoe!!_" A fishing-party--whose dulness is relieved by a suicide--opens the last act: one of the anglers having finished a comic song--which from its extreme gravity forms an appropriate dirge to the forthcoming felo-de-se--goes off with his companion to leave the water clear for _Barbara Allen_, who enters, takes an affecting leave of her laird lover, and straightway drowns herself. _Jack Ketch_ is now, by a rapid change of scene, discovered in limbo, and condemned to death; why, we were too stupid to make out. The fatal cart--very likely modelled after "the best authorities"--next occupies the stage, drawn by a real horse, and filled with _Sir Gregory Gash_ (who it seems is going to be hanged) and _Jack Ketch_ not as a prisoner, but as an officer of the crown; for we are to suppose that _Mr. Barabbas_, having retired from the public scaffold to private life, has seceded in favour of _Jack Ketch_, who is saved from the rope himself, on condition of his using it upon the person of _Sir Gregory_ and every succeeding criminal. All the characters come on with the cart, and a _d\'c8nouement_ evidently impends. The distracted lover demands of somebody to restore his mistress, which _Gipsy George_ is really so polite as to do; for although the bills expressly inform us she has committed "suicide," and we have actually seen her jump into the river Lea; yet there she is safe and sound!--carefully preserved in an envelope formed partly by the _Gipsy_ himself, and partly by his cloak. She, of course, embraces her lover, and leaves _Jack Ketch_ to embrace his profession with what appetite he may; all, in fact, ends happily, and _Sir Gregory_ goes off to be hanged. This, then, is the state to which the founders of the Newgate school of dramatic literature, and the march of intellect, have brought us. Nothing short of actual hanging--the most revolting and repulsive of all possible subjects to enter, much less to dwell in any mind not actually savage--must now be provided to meet the refined taste of play-goers. In the present instance, nothing but the actual _spiciness_ of the subject saved the piece from the last sentence of even Sadler's Wells' critical law; for in construction and detail, it is the veriest mass of incoherent rubbish that was ever shot upon the plains of common sense. The sketch we have made is in no one instance exaggerated. Our readers may therefore easily judge whether we speak truly or not. * * * * * PUNCH AT THE NEW STRAND. When Napoleon first appeared before the grand army after his return from Elba--when Queen Victoria made her _d\'c8b\u730 t_ at the assemblage of her first parliament--when Kean performed "Othello" at Drury Lane immediately after he had caused a certain friend of his to play the same part in the Court of King's Bench--the public mind was terribly agitated, and the public's legs instinctively carried them, on each occasion, to behold those great performers. When--to give these circumstances their highest application,--"Punch," on Thursday last, came out in the regular drama, the excitement was no less intense. Boxes were besieged; the pit was choked up, and the gallery creaked with its celestial encumbrance. As the curtain drew up, there would have been a death-like silence but for the unparalleled sales that were taking place in apples, oranges, and ginger-beer. Expectation was on tip-toe, as were the persons occupying that department of the theatre called "standing-room." The looked-for moment came; the "drop" ascended, and the spectators beheld _Mr. Dionysius Swivel_, a pint of ale, and Punch's theatre! "Tragedy," saith the Aristotelian recipe for cooking up a serious drama, "should have the probable, the marvellous, and the pathetic." In the _tableau_ thus presented, the audience beheld the three conditions strictly complied with all at once. "It was highly probable," as _Mr. Swivel_ observed to the source of pipes, 'bacca, and malt--in other words, to the landlady he was addressing--that his master, the showman, was unable to pay the score he had run up; it was marvellous that the proprietor of so popular a puppet as "Punch" should not have even the price of a pint of ale in his treasury; lastly, that circumstance was deeply pathetic; for what so heart-rending as the exhibition of fallen greatness, of broken-down prosperity, of affluence regularly stumped and hard-up! The fact is, that "Punch," his theatre, and _corps dramatique_, are in pawn for eight-and-ninepence! In the midst of this distress there appears a young gentleman, giving vent to passionate exclamations, while furiously buttoning up a tight surtout. The object of his love is the daughter of the object of his hate. _Mr. Snozzle_, having previously made his bow, overhears him, and being the acting manager of "Punch," and having a variety of plots for rescuing injured lovers from inextricable difficulties on hand, offers one of them to the lover, considerably over cost price; namely, for the puppet-detaining eight-and-ninepence, and a glass of brandy-and-water. The bargain being struck, the scene changes. To the happiness of being the possessor of "Punch," _Mr. Snozzle_ adds that of having a wonderful wife--a lady of universal talents; who dances in spangled shoes, plays on the tamburine, and sings Whitechapel French like a native. This inestimable creature has already gone round the town on a singing, dancing, and cash-collecting expedition; accompanied by the drum, mouth-organ, and _Swivel_. We now find her enchanting the flinty-hearted father, _Old Fellum_. Having been instrumental, by means of her vocal abilities, in drawing from him a declaration of amorous attachment and half-a-crown, she retires, to bury herself in the arms of her husband, and to eradicate the score, recorded in chalk, at _Mrs. Rummer's_ hotel. In the meantime _Snozzle_, having sold a plot, proceeds to fulfil the bargain by executing it. He enters with PUNCH'S theatre, to treat _Old Fellum_ with a second exhibition, and his daughter with an elopement; for in the midst of the performance the young lady detects the big drum in the act of "winking at her;" and she soon discovers that PUNCH'S orchestra is no other than her own lover. _Fellum_ is delighted with the show, to which he is attentive enough to allow of the lovers' escaping. He pursues them when it is too late, and having been so precipitate in his exit as to remember to forget to pay for his amusement, _Swivel_ steals a handsome cage, parrot included. Good gracious! what a scene of confusion and confabulation next takes place! _Fellum's_ first stage in pursuit is the public-house; there he unwittingly persuades _Mrs. Snozzle_ that her spouse is unfaithful--that _he_ it was who "stole away the old man's daughter." _Mrs. Snozzle_ raves, and threatens a divorce; _Snozzle_ himself trembles--he suspects the police are after him for being the receiver of stolen goods, instead of the deceiver of unsuspecting virtue. _Swivel_ dreads being taken up for prigging the parrot; and a frightful catastrophe is only averted by the entrance of the truant lovers, who have performed the comedy of "Matrimony" in a much shorter time than is allowed by the act of Parliament. Mrs. Keeley played the tamburine, and the part of _Snozzle femme_. This was more than acting; it was nature enriched with humour--character broadly painted without a tinge of caricature. The solemnity of her countenance, while performing with her feet, was a correct copy from the expression of self-approbation--of the wonder-how-I-do-it-so-well--always observable during the dances of the _fair_ sex; her tones when singing were unerringly brought from the street; her spangled dress was assuredly borrowed from Scowton's caravan. As a work of dramatic art, this performance is, of its kind, most complete. Keeley's _Snozzle_ was quiet, rich, and philosophical; and Saunders made a Judy of himself with unparalleled success. _Frank Finch_ got his deserts in the hands of a Mr. Everett; for being a lover, no matter how awkward and ungainly an actor is made to represent him. * * * * * "OH! DAY AND NIGHT, BUT THIS IS WONDROUS STRANGE!" "We believe, from the first, _Day_ was intended to mount, and wherefore it was made a mystery we know not.--DOINGS AT DONCASTER."--[Sunday Times.] Poor Coronation well may say, "A mystery I mark; Though jockey'd by the _lightest Day_ They tried to keep me dark." * * * * * PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 1. FOR THE WEEK ENDING OCTOBER 2, 1841. * * * * * THE TIPTOES. A SKETCH. "The Wrongheads have been a considerable family ever since England was England." VANBRUGH. [Illustration: M]Morning and evening, from every village within three or four miles of the metropolis, may be remarked a tide of young men wending diurnal way to and from their respective desks and counters in the city, preceded by a ripple of errand-boys, and light porters, and followed by an ebb of plethoric elderly gentlemen in drab gaiters. Now these individuals compose--for the most part--that particular, yet indefinite class of people, who call themselves "gentlemen," and are called by everybody else "persons." They are a body--the advanced guard--of the "Tiptoes;" an army which invaded us some thirty years ago, and which, since that time, has been actively and perseveringly spoiling and desolating our modest, quiet, comfortable English homes, turning our parlours into "boudoirs," ripping our fragrant patches of roses into fantastic "parterres," covering our centre tables with albums and wax flowers, and, in short (for these details pain us), stripping our nooks and corners of the welcome warm air of pleasant homeliness, which was wont to be a charm and a privilege, to substitute for it a chilly gloss--an unwholesome straining after effect--a something less definite in its operation than in its result, which is called--gentility. To have done with simile. Our matrons have discovered that luxury is specifically cheaper than comfort (and they regard them as independent, if not incompatible terms); and more than this, that comfort is, after all, but an irrelevant and dispensable corollary to gentility, while luxury is its main prop and stay. Furthermore, that improvidence is a virtue of such lustre, that itself or its likeness is essential to the very existence of respectability; and, by carrying out this proposition, that in order to make the least amount of extravagance produce the utmost admiration and envy, it is desirable to be improvident as publicly as possible; the means for such expenditure being gleaned from retrenchments in the home department. Thus, by a system of domestic alchemy, the education of the children is resolved into a vehicle; a couple of maids are amalgamated into a man in livery; while to a single drudge, superintended and aided by the mistress and elder girls, is confided the economy of the pantry, from whose meagre shelves are supplied supplementary blondes and kalydors. Now a system of economy which can induce a mother to "bring up her children at home," while she regards a phaeton as absolutely necessary to convey her to church and to her tradespeople, and an annual visit to the sea-side as perfectly indispensable to restore the faded complexions of Frances and Jemima, ruined by late hours and hot cream, may be considered open to censure by the philosopher who places women (and girls, _i.e._ unmarried women) in the rank of responsible or even rational creatures. But in this disposition he would be clearly wrong. Before venturing to define the precise capacity of either an individual or a class, their own opinion on the subject should assuredly be consulted; and we are quite sure that there is not one of the lady Tiptoes who would not recoil with horror from the suspicion of advancing or even of entertaining an idea--it having been ascertained that everything original (sin and all) is quite inconformable with the feminine character--unless indeed it be a method of finding the third side of a turned silk--or of defining that zero of fortune, to stand below which constitutes a "detrimental." The Misses Tiptoe are an indefinite number of young ladies, of whom it is commonly remarked that some may have been pretty, and others may, hereafter, be pretty. But they never _are_ so; and, consequently, they are very fearful of being eclipsed by their dependents, and take care to engage only ill-favoured governesses, and (but 'tis an old pun) very plain cooks. The great business of their lives is fascination, and in its pursuit they are unremitting. It is divided in distinct departments, among the sisters; each of whom is characterised at home by some laudatory epithet, strikingly illustrative of what they would like to be. There is Miss Tiptoe, such an amiable girl! that is, she has a large mouth, and a Mallan in the middle of it. There is Jemima, "who enjoys such delicate health "--_that_ is, she has no bust, and wears a scarf. Then there is Grace, who is all for evening rambles, and the "Pilgrim of Love;" and Fanny, who can _not_ help talking; and whom, in its turn, talking certainly cannot help. They are remarkable for doing a little of everything at all times. Whether it be designing on worsted or on bachelors--whether concerting overtures musical or matrimonial; the same pretty development of the shoulder through that troublesome scarf--the same hasty confusion in drawing it on again, and referring to the watch to see what time it is--displays the mind ever intent on the great object of their career. But they seldom marry (unless, in desperation, their cousins), for they despise the rank which they affect to have quitted--and no man of sense ever loved a Tiptoe. So they continue at home until the house is broken up; and then they reti
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Wedding Reception Timelines

5 Feb 2008 at 8:09pm  A fun and stress-free wedding reception is a well-planned wedding reception. A step-by-step timetable of events, and an experienced DJ / Event Director to oversee them, will keep your party going. C...
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